too bad you live with your parents still
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
