I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
