My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
