just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Is Oprah even human
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
