Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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