My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My ass is underappreciated
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
