i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
