Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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