those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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