Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she told me i tasted like america
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
