If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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