I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've blown a few things in my day
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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