Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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