I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
