also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
