i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
