Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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