Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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