Got a toothbrush?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
