If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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