Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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