Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Randomize
