His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize