i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
