I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
