Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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