Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
