Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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