How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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