I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
