toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
