I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
