am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
