she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
