so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
