I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
