we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
