yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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