I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
