hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize