new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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