I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
