The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
