We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
