Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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