Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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