Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
