Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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