It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Found your dick twin last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
