We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
