Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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