Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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