In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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