Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So squirting runs in the family.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
