my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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