Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
