I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
