on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
