So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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