i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
