I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize