Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
