My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
