i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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