Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
