I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
